


My Heart Gives a Flutter (But I Don't Dare Utter a Word)

by Wolfpup_4973



Series: Dammit Amelia [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dammit Amelia, F/F, Fluff and Angst, I blame you, I play double-dutch with it, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Inspired by Music, Internalized Homophobia, Little Miss Perfect by Joriah Kwame, There is a line between denial and internalized homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-21 23:21:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30029439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfpup_4973/pseuds/Wolfpup_4973
Summary: Lydia Branwell was always a straight laced, straight forward girl, but when she spends the evening with Isabell Lightwood her entire world changes. Will she have the courage to break the mold she built around herself, or will she stay within the safety it provides.
Relationships: Lydia Branwell/Isabelle Lightwood
Series: Dammit Amelia [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2209089
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	My Heart Gives a Flutter (But I Don't Dare Utter a Word)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AceOnIce](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceOnIce/gifts).



> A gift for the lovely [Amelia ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceOnIce) who prompted and beta'd this for me. Thanks lovely. <3
> 
> Want to join a chaotic and fun family of Malec nerds? [Click here](https://discord.gg/C26DBxG)

I was talking to John at my locker when it happened, Izzy walked by. Isabelle Sophia Lightwood was a queen amongst mortals. Long ebony hair curled to perfection, and her makeup was always flawlessly complementing her blue eyes. Her thigh-high boot heels were razor thin, sky high, and darker than a blackhole. Her tight black dress ended just inches above the lip of her boots. My heart did a somersault when I caught sight of the little window of skin that the zipper of her dress and the band of her bra left.  _ What I wouldn’t do.  _ I was jerkily brought back down to Earth when I heard someone call my name.

“Hey Branwell!” Alec, my co-head for student council, called from across the hall as he walked toward me. “I have a dilemma that I think you can solve for me.”

Alec was Izzy’s brother. He was the heartthrob of Alicante High, before he broke a lot of girls’ hearts when he, rather famously, took his boyfriend to prom last year. 

“Shoot, Lightwood,” I replied while raising an eyebrow.

“We need to sort out the schedule for the homecoming spirit week before the next meeting. Can you swing by my place tomorrow after school?” He asked with a hopeful grin.

“Sure, I’m free tomorrow. Meet at yours right after?”

He nodded. “See you then”

Once he was out of sight, I leaned back against my locker.  _ What is happening to me? _ I thought as I tapped my head against the locker.  _ This is absurd. I can’t be thinking these thoughts. I’m straight laced, little miss perfect. _

~!~

When I got to the Lightwood’s, I was a little overwhelmed by the sheer size of the house. To call it a mansion wasn’t too far off the mark. The “house” was cream with black trim and detailing. The black door had built-in windows and sconces on either side. I looked down as I picked at my fingers when I noticed the door mat. It was one of the ones that said ‘Come in’ or ‘Go away’ depending on which way it was facing, currently it said come in. 

_ Come on Lydia. Just knock already, nothing bad is going to happen. You're just here to talk with Alec about the schedule. Okay? You probably won’t even see Izzy. _ I felt my hand shake as I raised it to knock. 

There was a pause and, just my luck, it was Izzy that opened the door. 

“Hi. Alec said you would be over. He also said to tell you that he might be a few minutes, he had something come up that he needed to handle.”

“Oh, okay. I’ll just go wait in my car.”  _ Please just let me wait in the car. _ I silently pleaded to whoever was listening.

“Nonsense, there is a perfectly good couch that you can sit on while you wait.”

_ Dammit. _

“You sure? I don’t want to intrude.”

“Of course. I wouldn’t have offered if you were. Now,” She clapped before turning around and walking away, leaving the door wide open. “Did you want something to drink? I, sadly, can't offer you anything to eat.” She cocked her head to the side, smirk just barely stretching the corner of her lips. “Well, other than takeout menus.” 

“Water’s fine.”

“Water, really? Not even a soda?” Her smirk was wider now with her teasing.

The inside of the house looked like a home decorating magazine threw up in it. It looked amazing, don’t get me wrong, but it just felt impersonal. The house had an open floor plan and a sunken living room. Everything was decorated with practical neutrals with pops of blue and gold. 

“You know what? I’m hungry, what are you in the mood for?” she said as she flipped through the various take out menus. 

“I’m good with whatever.”

“Okay then. I’ve been craving Chinese and sushi. Lucky for me, I know a place that does both fantastically.”

“Combo lo mein,” I said, not even bothering to look at the menu she handed me.

She raised an eyebrow and asked , a teasing smile stretched across her face. “You sure? I don’t think the three milliseconds you used to decide were enough.”

“It’s what I always get,” I shrugged.

“Oh come on live a little. Life is too short to always order the same thing from a restaurant.” Her eyes turned mischievously pleading.

_ How can she be both at the same time? It's not far that she’s too cute to say no to. _ I was so lost in my head that I almost didn’t hear Izzy’s question. “Are you allergic to fish?”

“No?”

She clapped and did a little dance, curls bouncing in time. “Great! I’ll order you some sushi, beginner friendly I promise.”

I opened my mouth for a token protest, but Izzy just ignored it.

“I’ll get your usual too, don’t worry, Just in case you don’t like the sushi I order for you.” she said and picked up her phone from where it was sitting on the counter. I tuned her out as she placed the food order. The last thing I heard her say was a faint “Hello, I’d like to place a delivery order.”

Izzy looked beautiful. Her black crop top perfectly showed off the tattoo on her chest. The leather jacket that she wore to school, since hung up in the coat closet, had covered the thin black straps that criss crossed her back and shoulders. Her maroon skirt was perfectly tailored to her waist before flaring out over black fishnets. When she finished placing the order, she kicked off her pumps and sat in one of the hanging chairs in the solarium, left leg tucked under her. 

“So what’s life like for Lydia Branwell? Any suitors lined up?” Izzy wiggled her eyebrows suggestively with a laugh and a smirk, startling me out of my thoughts.

“No, no boyfriends, potential or otherwise,” I answered with a lighthearted chuckle. “Between student council, work, and AP homework I barely have time to eat and sleep. Adding a boyfriend on top of that.” I stretched out a soft lip-trill as I shook my head, eyes wide. 

“That’s such a shame. You're a beautiful woman Lydia.”

“That’s not true. My hair is the color of straw and can’t hold a curl if you threatened it. I’m not like you, with beautiful black hair with curls that bounce for days. Even you probably wouldn’t be able to do anything to this pinstright pile of crap,” I lamented.

“Wanna bet?” Izzy quipped back much to my shock. “After food gets here, I’ll work my magic and braid your hair.”

After pausing for a second I let out a shy, “Deal”

She wiggled in her seat in victory, lips pulled tantalizingly pulled to one side.

“I wish I could be more like you.” I blurted, to the surprise of both of us.

“What do you mean?”

I took a second to think about the answer. “I wish I was more self-confident. I mean, yeah, I’m co-head for the student council. That’s the only part of my life that I feel like I got it for my own merit, ya know. Ever since I was adopted I’ve had everything handed to me on a metaphorical silver platter. Even my job isn’t one hundred percent my doing. My boss is an old friend of my uncle’s.” I sighed before I continued. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to unload on you.”

“I get it. Family can be a sore subject. My parents are always away on business trips.” She put air quotes around ‘business trips’. “Dad’s having an affair with his nineteen year old secretary and Mom’s having an affair with a bookstore owner on the other side of town. After Max died, it's been,” she trailed off, lost in the pain of losing her little brother to Lymphoma, even years later. “It’s been hard for everyone.” 

Her hand was absentmindedly tracing her tattoo. “Max is the reason that I got this. He was really into comics before he got sick. He wanted to make his own one day, had the story planned out and everything. Based characters on all of us, the sweetheart. In the world he created the heroes had runes.” A tear slipped down her cheek. Her voice was shaky now “On my sixteenth birthday Alec, Jace, and I all went to the tattoo parlor. We all got the same thing. I got this, Alec got his on his left outer forearm, and Jace got his right inner forearm. The one he based off me has the same one. I got it as a reminder to be the hero he saw in me.” A quiet sob escaped her lips. “Some days I wonder if he would be disappointed in me.”

Before I even knew what was happening, my feet led me to kneel in front of Izzy. My thumbs wiped away the tear tracks that formed as she spoke. “I may not have met him, Izzy, but I  _ know _ that he would be proud of you. To see you  _ kick ass _ and blow everyone out of the water with the brilliance of your mind. To see you honoring his memory by getting a tattoo of a world that meant so much to him.” My thumb moved, slowly but steadily, back and forth across her cheek. “He saw the hero within you. So why can’t you?”

Before she could answer the doorbell rang, shocking us both out of the moment. As I let her pass to answer the door, I got lost in my head again.

_ It’s totally platonic… right? _ I shook my head.  _ Of course it is, it has to be. I’m little miss perfect, I have an image to protect. Straight laced, straight forward,  _ ~~_ straight girl _ ~~ _.  _ I sucked in a breath at that last thought.  _ Am I straight? _ I shook my head.  _ Of course I am. I  _ have _ to be. _

Before I could dive further into  _ that _ , Izzy walked into the room carrying a, frankly humongous, bag of food.

“Okay so, I got you two options. The Tokyo roll is probably an easier sell because it's all pretty normal ingredients.” She said as she arranged the containers in a line across the island. Suddenly, her eyes widened and a smirk crossed her face. “Do you trust me?”

“What?”

“Do you trust me?” She repeated, enunciating every word.

I took a step back, my jaw on the floor.  _ Do I trust her? _ My eyes searched her face for any sign of malicious intentions. Her smirk fell more, the longer I took to answer.

“Yes,” while my answer was hesitant, the smile on her face told me I made the right decision.

“Close your eyes and open your mouth.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to see if you can guess what all is in the sushi.”

Wordlessly, I did as she asked. The sound of Izzy opening the containers quickly filled the, otherwise silent, room.

“Okay, I’m going to put my hand on your shoulder now.” Izzy said, startling me with how close she had gotten. I tensed when her hand landed on my shoulder, despite the warning, but my eyes stayed closed and mouth stayed open. 

As the sushi hit my tongue I was immediately hit with the taste of vinegar. Soon, the vinegar gave way to the fish.  _ Is that tuna? … and … shrimp? _ I contemplated the flavors, but I knew that I was missing at least one of them.

“Okay there's definitely shrimp, I recognize that one. Tuna? And something that I can’t put my finger on.” I said after I swallowed the bite. 

“Impressive,” her voice was filled with all the awe that the word implied. “Tuna, shrimp, crab and avocado.”

Before I knew it, all the food was gone. I had gotten lost in the game of guessing flavors and feeding each other. Izzy had made good choices for what to get me. All stuff I had eaten before, except for the eel in the other sushi roll. I had even felt like trying one of hers. It was the most fun I’ve had with food in a while.

As we sat down in solarium again, I couldn’t help but be in awe of the sunset. The whole sky was a beautiful gradient of pink, purple, and blue. If I squinted I would be able to see the first few stars of the night. 

“I don’t know how you aren’t in here all the time watching the sunset. It’s so beautiful.” My eyes were so focused on the sky that I didn’t notice the way Izzy was looking at me.

“Yeah, the view is amazing, isn’t it” she said and I missed the fact that she wasn’t talking about the sky. 

“So, braiding your hair. Was there any type of braid that you wanted or can I go all out?” she asked as she twirled a strand of my hair around her finger.

“I don't really know many, so all out,” I sheepishly replied.

“That’s okay,” she patted the ottoman beside her, “just take a seat while I get my hair things from my room.” Before I could respond, she disappeared up the stairs.

When she came back down stairs, she sat all the miscellaneous hair things down beside me. There were a few surprises like the flowers and the curling iron. 

“Why’d you bring a curling iron? I thought that you were just braiding it.” I questioned, waving the aforementioned tool in the air.

“I’m curling your hair to give the braid more volume,” she told me as she gently took the wand to plug it in to heat up. “Do you want me to brush your hair or do you want to do it?”

For what felt like the billionth time, my mouth was gaping at Izzy’s question.  _ Did _ I want her to brush my hair? Izzy didn’t seem to notice my plight when I responded with a quiet “You.”

“Okay. Want to listen to music while I do this? It’ll get boring just staring at a wall.” She said, already reaching for her phone to put something on. “Any requests?” 

“Paul McCartney?” I told her as I took my hair down from the ponytail that I’ve had it in all day. 

“Beatles, got it,” The familiar notes of  _ Hey Jude _ begin to fill the massive room.

“Huh.”

“What?” she asked as she started brushing.

“ _ Hey Jude _ is my favorite song.” 

Before I knew it my hair was curled and she was sectioning my hair for the braid. “So what are you even doing?” I asked after she stopped to take a sip of water. My eyes were focused on the bobbing of her throat, causing me to bite my lip.

“I’m doing a riff on Rapunzel’s braid. Obviously, it’s not going to your feet like hers did, but I think your hair is long enough for what I want to try.”  _ Ahh, that was what the flowers were for _ .

Her long nails tickled as they scratched my scalp to pick up hair. Before long, I was lost in the intoxicating feeling of her fingers as they ran through my hair. I felt my eyes drooping, caught on the brink between sleepiness and wakefulness.

“And done,” she said as she finished putting the last flower through my hair. Izzy gestured to the mirror behind me, “Take a look.”

It was beautiful. The braid was a normal dutch braid, but she had intertwined the sections she had kept separate to make it more interesting. The faux flowers were just what the braid needed to pull it all together.

“It's beautiful Izzy.” I felt tears well up in my eyes, “It’s perfect.”

Next thing I knew, my lips were on Izzy’s. My hand was at the nape of her neck, fingers just barely playing with the baby hairs that escaped her braid. I was about to close my eyes when I caught a glimpse of us in the window. I jerked back when I realized what was happening. 

“I’m sorry. I have to go.” I said, Izzy’s words just a distant mumbling in my ears. I felt tears welling up in my eyes for an entirely different reason. Alec was a blur as he came up the walkway. I don’t know how I drove home, but luckily I could just go to my room without anyone seeing me. I finally let the tears fall when I was back in my room.  _ What was I thinking! I can’t kiss Izzy! I’m little miss perfect. I have to maintain my image. She can’t feel the same way. She’ll just tell me to forget it and I’m just confused.  _ Each thought was punctuated with me removing a flower from my hair.

As I cried myself to sleep, I couldn’t help it when my fingers traced my lips as I remembered the feeling of Izzy’s lips on mine.

~!~

“Lydia! Hey, can we talk?”

My heart stopped. Izzy wanted to talk. That was never a good sign. I took a breath to try and dislodge the lump in my throat. 

“Sorry Izzy, I’m running late for student council. Can’t have a council without the head.” I rushed to try and avoid this conversation. “We’re trying to figure out prom stuff right now so I really need to be there to try and contain the chaos.”  _ Shut up and leave already!  _ “Anyway I really have to go.”

“Can we talk after? It’s important.” 

_ Dammit  _ I thought with a wince.

“Yeah sure Izzy, but I really do have to go. Meeting ends at five. Talk to you then?”

“Five, got it. See you then,” Then she did the unexpected. She kissed my cheek. 

I spent the majority of the meeting  ~~ daydreaming about the kiss ~~ preoccupied. It felt like time was simultaneously at a stand still and in fast forward. Alec, who had seen how distracted I was, took control of the meeting. I was a blur of homecoming schedules and tentative ideas for prom. Before I knew it, five o’clock was here and everyone was packing up. 

My breath picked up as my brain looked for any excuse to not leave the room. I took a breath to calm down and to get out of my head.  _ It’s just Izzy. Nothing bad is going to happen… I hope. _

As I walked through the double doors, I looked around for Izzy. For some inexplicable reason my heart sank. She wasn’t there.  _ Why am I disappointed? I didn’t want to have this talk anyway,  _ I thought.  _ Because you want the opportunity to fall in love with her, _ my heart whispered back. I was startled out of that revelation when someone called my name. No, not someone, Izzy.

“Lydia!” She was sitting on the bench that was hidden by a shrub.  _ Oh. She was waiting and I just couldn’t see her.  _

“You kept it in. The braid, I meant.” She pointed to said braid that I didn’t have the heart to take down.

“Yeah,” I paused, hesitant about what I was going to say next. “You wanted to talk?” I reminded her as we walked back to the bench to sit. 

“Yeah, I do.” She sat, sitting sideways to face me, with one leg crossed under the other. “I’m not going to beat around the bush when it comes to this. You kissed me. Why?”

“To be honest, I don’t know why.” I couldn’t bring myself to look her in the eye, so I stared at my hands, mindlessly fidgeting with my fingers. “One minute you were braiding my hair the next, I was staring at the reflection of us kissing.”

“And you panicked.”

“And I panicked. I have this vision of myself, and up until I kissed you, nothing has contradicted it. But last night, I was doing things I have  _ never _ done. You snuck behind the frame of the picture I painted of myself and you added color to an otherwise black and white painting.”

After a few silent seconds Izzy spoke. “Is that a bad thing?”

“No!”

“Okay. Then do you want me to keep painting, as you call it?” Her fingers curled into air quotes when she said painting. “Do you want me to help you repaint your masterpiece?”

I gave a hesitant nod before I whispered. “I just don’t know what that painting is going to look like, Izzy. How do I follow you into the unknown?” I looked down to gather the courage to say what I’m really feeling. “I’m scared.” My voice was so small I wonder if she even heard my words at all.

“Oh Lydia. It’s alright to be scared.” She pulled me into a tight hug; I let out the sob that’s been building. Izzy just pulled me in closer in an effort to shut out the world. “I will be with you through all of this Lydia, I promise.” She wiped away the tears I didn’t know were falling.

“I want you to make me a promise, okay? Whenever you feel afraid, I want you to take my hand and squeeze as hard as you need.” Izzy brushed the hair out of my face, thumb just barely catching a tear as well. “Take my hand and remember that you aren’t alone in this, that no matter what I will be there for you.”

And there, in the school parking lot, I had the best second kiss of my life.


End file.
